impostor syndrome

By Shayla Johnson- Bunion

[impostor syndrome]
NOUN
the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.

I never knew there was a “phrase” to describe exactly what I’ve been feeling for the last couple of years: Impostor Syndrome. No matter how many times I’m praised or complimented, there’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me not to believe the hype. Why is it so hard to believe that I may actually be good at this time and that I do belong? And why is so hard for me to believe that people genuinely admire my work? It’s because I feel like an impostor in my own skin. YIKES!

Impostor Syndrome happens to the best of us. Maybe we grew up in families that didn’t shower us with positive words. Some of us had families were “tough love” and verbal abuse were the norm. I’ve had a friend tell that she was never praised growing up because the family didn’t want her to become too “conceited.”

Lack of validation, support, and positive reinforcement can contribute to this "syndrome," but I'm not sure if that alone is enough. I don’t know how I got here exactly, but the feeling is very upsetting. I want to believe all the great things people say about me, but deep down inside I struggle to accept compliments. At times I even felt like a fraud.

I fear that some people are just “being nice,” and I assume my co-workers complement me because I’m the only Black Woman in my department. At times I feel like an “other” or outsider that doesn’t really belong. On the flip side, if my coworker's weren’t being "too nice", I was a target of passive-aggressive and dismissive behaviors.

I shared in a previous blog, Surviving Corporate America, how micro-aggressions on the job eventually led me to therapy. I realize now that some of my thoughts were irrational, but many times they were not. Therapy helped me connect the dots from my negative self thoughts to periods in my life when I did not feel validated and supported.

Part of my journey has been to push past my own thoughts. What I’m learning is that there is a fine line between forcing myself to be better, and giving in to fears that hold me back. I can only imagine how far I could go if I could see myself the way everyone else does. In the meantime, I am practicing positive affirmations. "I am good enough." "I deserve to be here." "I am hardworking, and I am not a fraud."

To learn more about Impostor Syndrome Click Here.