Leveling Up During the Pandemic

By Shayla Johnson-Bunion

It’s hard for me to imagine the last 2 years during the pandemic as a time that “I leveled up”. In many ways this period was a “hard reset” for me. Like many others in quarantine, I experienced panic, anxiety, worry, and fear of the unknown. However, it was also a time of deep reflection and gratitude for me. The isolation and lack of distractions forced me to look internally in many areas of my life. The last two years have been a metamorphosis of some sorts. I was tucked away in my little quarantine cocoon and re-emerged as a new version of myself, much like a butterfly, with stronger wings than I than I’ve ever imagined.

My leveling up journey began with therapy beginning in May of 2022. I needed a place to process the overwhelming anxiety and fear related to the pandemic. That experience turned out to be an opportunity for me to explore other areas of my life that I was afraid to look at. From there I went on an 18-month journey of forgiveness and releasing old behaviors that no longer served me.

Forgiveness is a very conflicting word for me, even as a mental health counselor. I never really bought into the concept of forgiveness. In a lot of ways, I have seen this word used manipulatively and as a way to gaslight people. I’ve also seen this word used as an attempt to make the offender feel better about the pain they caused others. Specifically in the Black community and in religious spaces, I have witnessed the concept of forgiveness used to minimize the effects of harm another person caused, and as way to sweep things under the rug. Rarely have I seen emphasis placed on the offender to right their wrongs or to take accountability. But there sure was a lot of pressure on the victim to “move on” and “let go.” There are some offenses that I truly believe to be unforgivable. More importantly I feel that it should be up to the person that was wronged to decide if, and when they are ready to forgive instead of being guilted into doing so.

For many years I have been mislabeled as a person that “hold grudges” and doesn’t know how to forgive. I actually believed that, and it became my identity. However, that wasn’t true. What others thought were grudges, turned out to be boundaries. I learned that when you speak up for yourself and attempt to set boundaries people will try to bully, shame, and blame you into going back to old and familiar dynamics. This was a form of gaslighting and emotional manipulation. Those labels were merely projections onto me based in their own reality and perception of themselves. In other words, how they viewed me setting boundaries often said more about themselves than it did about me.

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

What I learned through counseling is that forgiveness is a choice. That is where I had my “lightbulb” moment. I was in fact practicing forgiveness by releasing resentments and by choosing to work on myself to healthier overall. When I choose to forgive it doesn’t mean a “pardon” for someone that refuses to accept accountability. I also don’t have to forgive someone that isn’t sorry. However, I can choose to forgive myself for how I reacted before I had better coping skills. I can also choose to forgive those that have apologized and are making attempts to change their behavior. Knowing that forgiveness is a choice made it easier for me to choose it for myself and not for another person’s sake. This means I get to decide how long it takes for me to heal and that I don’t have to allow anyone to rush that process for me.

The process of forgiveness was a spiritual awakening for me. It was hard, emotional, confusing, and very conflicting. It wasn’t pretty, but it was necessary. It’s been difficult to work on forgiveness and healing when you are the only one in your circle, your family, etc. to do so. It felt isolating, and at times I was scapegoated. No one told me that when you work on yourself and gain new skills it can become more difficult to communicate with others that don’t have the same tools you do. They may assume you are acting different; they may accuse of you being “smart,” sarcastic, and may even use your healing against you.

Today, I no longer reject the word forgiveness because I know it is a choice that only I get to make. I don’t have to let the other person know that I forgave them. I can practice forgiveness by releasing anything that is not in my control and doesn’t bring me joy or gratitude. I’m also more aware of how I’ve practiced forgiveness over the course of my life through boundaries even if I went about them poorly and without the proper tools.

So how exactly did this allow me to level up? Recognizing what I can control and what I can’t change gave me the courage to be myself authentically. I became more vulnerable and honest by letting my guard down. This means that I had to speak up, become more assertive, and be in control of my own destiny. I also learned to practice gratitude for things I took for granted before the pandemic. This freed up so much space in my heart and my mind. I appreciated life and the people close to me in ways that I haven’t before. Since then, many doors have opened to me that I didn’t think possible. My life has upgraded financially, physically, and romantically. But the biggest level up I’ve experienced has been peace, and that is ultimate flex.