impostor syndrome

By Shayla Johnson-Bunion

Impostor Syndrome almost made me quit my passion. In All About Love, bell hooks writes that, “Self-acceptance is hard for many of us. There is a voice inside that is constantly judging, first ourselves and then others. . . Because we have learned to believe that negativity is more realistic, it appears more real than any positive voice.” From that reading I realized that impostor syndrome, for me, came down to 3 points: Delight in Judging others, Negativity, and (lack of) Self-Love.

Something I learned in early on is “how I view others is really a reflection of how I view myself.” Let that marinate for a second. Whether I am judging in favor of someone's work or criticizing their skills, I know this is really a reflection of how I feel about myself.

If I believe other people’s work is better than mine, I naturally assume that its because something about them is better than me. In reality, they probably worked harder and invested in themselves even when their talent comes natural. This type of judging allows me to make excuses for my lack of discipline. For me, it’s easier to assume other people are better, than it is to be honest with myself about what I’m not doing to be just as good. Thus, creating my impostor syndrome.

I spend so much time judging other people’s work that I assume they are doing the same to me. Even when I’m validated I find it hard to accept the praise because I’ve convinced myself that I got here because of “luck.” When I make those assumptions about my success I am not operating in self-love.

To paraphrase more from All About Love, bell hooks writes, “The more we accept ourselves the better prepared we are to take responsibility in our lives. Taking responsibility does not mean that we deny the reality of racism, sexism, and homophobia that have created barriers. Nor does taking responsibility mean that we can prevent discriminatory acts from happening. But we can choose how we respond to those acts.”

And that’s when it hit me. If I am not practicing self-love, then I am not taking responsibility for my own self-worth. This means I don’t accept myself for who I am and where I am at this moment in time. When I am not operating in self-love, I allow others to define me and what’s best for me. When I don"t practice self-acceptance, I don't take responsibility for my lack of discipline. Instead I begin comparing myself based on unrealistic assumptions.

When I do this I give up my power by seeking validation from a world founded on sexism and racism that was designed to keep me in self-doubt (the opposite of self-love and acceptance.) When I remain in self-doubt, I will never know how far I can go.

Self-acceptance helped me to see that I am not an “impostor” in my own skin. I belong here. I worked hard to get here, and I still have some work to do. When I validate myself no one else can make me feel otherwise, because ultimately, I love myself. That responsibility belongs to me. There is no room for negativity and judgment in self-acceptance.

*Author bell hooks does not capitalize her name. As a writer, she chose the pseudonym bell hooks in tribute to her mother and great-grandmother. She decided not to capitalize her new name to place focus on her work rather than her name, on her ideas rather than her personality.