Delayed Doesn’t mean Denied

By: Khamaria Wright

“I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me”.

I promised myself two years ago, that when I accomplished my goal of passing my licensure exam that I would write about my journey to the finish line. We rarely see people talk about what it takes to achieve their goals. Instead we only see people post about their success and their celebrations. It seemed like everyone around me was getting licensed, opening businesses, getting promotions, etc. Then there was me, who felt stuck trying to pass the same stupid test for two years. This made me feel some type of way about my own path. Don’t get me wrong, I was very happy for them, but I felt discouraged.

It took me 5 times to pass my test. The first time I completely bombed it and didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I was unprepared and felt ashamed and disappointed in myself. I cried to my close friends, but I was embarrassed to tell others that I failed. I suppressed my feelings which led to weight gain, hair loss, and emotional break downs almost every other day. Just thinking about re-taking the test gave me extreme anxiety.

The first three times I took the exam felt like hitting a brick wall. My test scores would improve, but I still couldn’t pass. I tried hypno-therapy to relieve my test anxiety and that didn’t work either. I talked to my colleague about it and she said, “maybe it isn’t God’s timing.” I do believe that God is in control of all of things, even if we don’t understand it. I started questioning God and questioning myself. I couldn’t understand what God was trying to teach me by allowing this to happen.

By the 4th time not passing, I got to a point where I began to think about other career options outside of counseling. I told my supervisor that I wanted to give up and not be a therapist anymore. Her advice to me was that “the test doesn’t define who I am as a therapist and that I am already one.” My negative self-talk was overshadowing my ability to pass.

As I got ready to take the test for the 5th time I told myself that I must do something different. I was tired of studying the same material, learning on my own, and not asking for help. I got a coach through my testing program, got spiritually connected, exercised, and sought trauma therapy (I was traumatized by failing so many times). I also began EMDR* therapy which helped me feel more at ease about taking the test.

The last time I took the exam, I walked out feeling at peace from my efforts to do things differently. My significant other waited outside for me and his first words to me were, “Khamaria, I can tell you are in a different place this time around and I know you killed the exam”. A month later, I found out that I that I passed my exam! I screamed, cried, and jumped for joy. After receiving my passing letter, I said to myself, “God I understand the journey now.” All along my lesson was to learn the importance of patience, timing, and trusting the process.

*(Eye movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a type of trauma therapy that allows you to process the emotional sensitivity of a perceived traumatic event. It doesn’t help you forget the trauma, but it allows you to reprocess your emotional sensitivity to it).

Here are some reminders that helped me on my journey:

1. God puts us through tests to see how willing we are to work for what we really want.

2. God never puts anything on us that we can’t bear.

3. Trust in God even when your faith is being tested.

4. Positive thoughts give you a better outlook. I already knew the information on the test, I just needed to switch my mindset.

5. Not allowing the word “failure” to be a part of your narrative. Instead, I told myself that I haven’t passed my test “yet.”

6. Staying grounded. I started taking deep breaths before I studied. I also used essential oils and stress candles.

7. Write a letter to yourself in 3rd person encouraging and motivating you to finish.

8. Practice self-care. I did more of this the 5th time around and removed unnecessary stress.

9. Allow your tribe to uplift you and remind you of your goals when you can’t see it for yourself.

10. Accomplish other things you really want to do. I still spoke at workshops, started a blog, and made a business plan for my future private practice.

11. Come up with daily affirmations to keep you grounded in the present and not fixated on the future.

12. Going to therapy and doing EMDR practically saved my life. I can’t say enough about how therapy helped bring my insecurities to the forefront, so that I can heal them and not allow them to be a part of my story.